I didn't ask for this. I didn't pray for this. I do it because I love my Ann Margret (and all my kids). It's not easy and yes I'm worn out but what would you have me to do, nothing? If she needs therapy I'm there. If she needs to see a specialist I'm there. Please don't make me feel like we are a burden and that I don't realize how hard it is. I live it!
Lately I have been feeling very down and discouraged. I feel overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done in a day. Having kids is no walk in the park. Having three kids 4 and under... well its a wonder I get through a day and get anything accomplished. If you add on top of that a child with special needs, it gets a bit overwhelming and you tend to shut down. At least that is the case with me.
In my head I have a running list of all these things that need to be done. Like, laundry, dishes, shopping list, car maintenance, yard work, to do list, organization of this or that, how to get this weight off, and when to find time to do it or time period, getting one kid to school on time and another to therapy all while making sure the third is feed in a time where he won't start screaming during either, trying to remember when dr appts are... etc. At times it seems as though my head could explode at any moment. Right now is one of those times. I need a break, but I feel so guilty for wanting one. I mean, who says I just want to leave this house and these kids and get away. I love my family so much but something has got to give.
Sometimes I wonder why God would give me so much. I never really realized how easy it was with just one kid. Why would He do this to us. Why would He allow our daughter to have all these obstacles to face and on top of that give us another child 13 months later? There is not enough time in a day to do everything that needs to get done.
I want so badly to be the mom my kids look at and say she did everything she could to make our lives the best they could be. The thing is I don't feel I have done everything I can. I get so overwhelmed and frustrated I shut down. I stop doing anything productive and sulk in my own self pity.
I need to get out of this funk. I think a mini vacation is in order... guilt free! I have come to realize that time needs to be taken out for myself for the health of the whole family. It has taken awhile to realize that life isn't supposed to be easy. That the things you think are most important aren't the task that need to get done but the people in your life that need your attention and affection. I pray that I start practicing that in my daily life. So often my kids get what is left of me. I want them to experience fun and laughter, learn responsibilities, get hurt and get back up, love and compassion, triumphs and defeats and what it means to rely on Jesus. And I want to be the face of all those things to them. I want to be their MOM!
I feel like these thoughts are random and unrelated but this is my outlet.
My post today was inspired by a post I read here... Its funny how people with similar struggles get exactly how you feel, I'm glad they are there to express it more clearly.
EDIT: I know I am very blessed with the kids God has graciously given me. In times like now I know he is nudging me to trust Him and rely completely on Him. I am not ignorant to the fact there is a lesson to be learned. I'm just trying to get me head and my actions on the same wave length. I want to pour out the Love of Jesus at all times especially with my children but my flesh and selfishness get in the way a lot. God sanctifying me daily and most of you know sanctification can really hurt sometimes.
Heather,
ReplyDeleteI just wrote a post about this a few days ago on my blog. I too am a mom of three four and under and one with special needs (PWS). It's so normal to feel this way and I think we both need to give ourselves more credit and more grace than we do. Big hugs, mama.
Thanks Ali! I tend to beat myself up so much. I need to learn to loosen up and just roll with the punches... its just so hard for my type A personality... I am being sanctified daily.
ReplyDeleteWow. I thought I was reading about myself there for a minute. Really. Except, I only have 2...3 and under. :) This was me back in the fall. I nearly went over the edge. Hit a wall. Had a near breakdown...whatever you want to call it. I get it sister!! We had to back off on a few things for me to get my sanity back. I hear this more and more from our community of special needs mommies. We are stressed..tired..overwhelmed. But, we really do love our kids and we are doing the best that we can. And God is with us. Heather, you are an amazing mother and bravo to you for sharing your feelings. Call me if you ever need to chat. Ps...thats why I asked you at our get together if you just collapse at night when he kids go to bed. :) I know I do!!!! Hang in there and let us know if you need anything. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Lindsay. I think more than anything its the monotony of it all. I do the same thing over and over. I tend to say things like, if only AM was mobile (which we all know is a false statement), or if only she was more independent. I do everything for two kids who rely totally on me. Its definitely overwhelming. But more than anything I get more overwhelmed with finding time to do all the little things around the house. I mean it took us 3 months to get a new toilet seat... who waits that long? I love that I have people who get it. Thanks again for the encouragement!
ReplyDeleteI know...I totally get it. Prayers for strength...you have sooo much with the two littlest being so close and depending so much on you. Hugs. And yes...our main over head kitchen light has been out for, oh, about 6(?) good months now...so sad that Ive gotten used to it. I am no longer even embarrassed when people come over and we have black duct tape over the place where the switch used to be. Sad. Maybe this will remind me to get it fixed. :) hugs. And...definitely not trying to minimize anything here...but I feel sure you will be soooo glad to have them so close together in the future. We went through hell with Collin. He was a horrible newborn (and still has his days), and Zach only 18 mo. Now, later, when I see them playing (and fighting!) I am so glad they have each other. :) hugs.
ReplyDeleteI feel the exact same way sometimes! Its a madhouse here as well - but I can't imagine what Isaac (my 3 yo with PWS) would be like without his two younger siblings! They help him so much! I think that taking good care of my kids has come with the price of myself falling apart though. I monitor my son's diet like a drill sergeant, but then I eat when I'm stressed and can't get my weight where I want it to be. I think all the time about when will I get to exercise, shave my legs, or pee alone again?? It will all work out!
ReplyDeleteHope you get your much deserved mini-vacation soon!!!