It has been way to long since I have released these thoughts going through my head...
I didn't ask for this. I didn't pray for this. I do it because I love my Ann Margret (and all my kids). It's not easy and yes I'm worn out but what would you have me to do, nothing? If she needs therapy I'm there. If she needs to see a specialist I'm there. Please don't make me feel like we are a burden and that I don't realize how hard it is. I live it!
Lately I have been feeling very down and discouraged. I feel overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done in a day. Having kids is no walk in the park. Having three kids 4 and under... well its a wonder I get through a day and get anything accomplished. If you add on top of that a child with special needs, it gets a bit overwhelming and you tend to shut down. At least that is the case with me.
In my head I have a running list of all these things that need to be done. Like, laundry, dishes, shopping list, car maintenance, yard work, to do list, organization of this or that, how to get this weight off, and when to find time to do it or time period, getting one kid to school on time and another to therapy all while making sure the third is feed in a time where he won't start screaming during either, trying to remember when dr appts are... etc. At times it seems as though my head could explode at any moment. Right now is one of those times. I need a break, but I feel so guilty for wanting one. I mean, who says I just want to leave this house and these kids and get away. I love my family so much but something has got to give.
Sometimes I wonder why God would give me so much. I never really realized how easy it was with just one kid. Why would He do this to us. Why would He allow our daughter to have all these obstacles to face and on top of that give us another child 13 months later? There is not enough time in a day to do everything that needs to get done.
I want so badly to be the mom my kids look at and say she did everything she could to make our lives the best they could be. The thing is I don't feel I have done everything I can. I get so overwhelmed and frustrated I shut down. I stop doing anything productive and sulk in my own self pity.
I need to get out of this funk. I think a mini vacation is in order... guilt free! I have come to realize that time needs to be taken out for myself for the health of the whole family. It has taken awhile to realize that life isn't supposed to be easy. That the things you think are most important aren't the task that need to get done but the people in your life that need your attention and affection. I pray that I start practicing that in my daily life. So often my kids get what is left of me. I want them to experience fun and laughter, learn responsibilities, get hurt and get back up, love and compassion, triumphs and defeats and what it means to rely on Jesus. And I want to be the face of all those things to them. I want to be their MOM!
I feel like these thoughts are random and unrelated but this is my outlet.
My post today was inspired by a post I read
here... Its funny how people with similar struggles get exactly how you feel, I'm glad they are there to express it more clearly.
EDIT: I know I am very blessed with the kids God has graciously given me. In times like now I know he is nudging me to trust Him and rely completely on Him. I am not ignorant to the fact there is a lesson to be learned. I'm just trying to get me head and my actions on the same wave length. I want to pour out the Love of Jesus at all times especially with my children but my flesh and selfishness get in the way a lot. God sanctifying me daily and most of you know sanctification can really hurt sometimes.
